


Count to five and wait for me.

by oheart



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Fix-It, Forehead Touching, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Unrequited Love, steve loves bucky like rlb be quiet marvel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 12:43:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18623533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oheart/pseuds/oheart
Summary: no, I have not seen the movie. but, yes, I have seen the spoilers and, yes, it is my DUTY as a fellow gay AND faithful steve stan to lose my goddamn mind at this whole mess! idek if I'm ever gonna see endgame anymore. that's how disheartened I am with what they did to steve's character. anyway. this is a fix it of sorts. ta-da!





	Count to five and wait for me.

**Author's Note:**

> no, I have not seen the movie. but, yes, I have seen the spoilers and, yes, it is my DUTY as a fellow gay AND faithful steve stan to lose my goddamn mind at this whole mess! idek if I'm ever gonna see endgame anymore. that's how disheartened I am with what they did to steve's character. anyway. this is a fix it of sorts. ta-da!

"I'm gonna miss you, buddy," Bucky can't help but let the words out as Steve slips out of his arms. He isn't blind and he knows their score. He saw it coming the moment Steve announced he'd go back in time to put the stones away. The others may not have realized it yet, but Bucky knows: it might be a long time before they see Steve again, if ever. And, considering everything, Bucky can't really blame the guy for wanting to bail out. He just wishes the realization didn't hurt as much.

Steve frowns at him, expression caught between confusion and something closer to shame. "Bruce said it won't be more than five seconds for you, Buck," he says, not quite meeting Bucky's eyes. "I'm the one who's gonna feel the difference the most," he tries to joke, but it falls flat.

Bucky gives him a tight lipped smile and suddenly it's out there, standing between them. The truth. Steve isn't coming back and now they both know it. The air seems to be knocked out of Steve and he let's his shoulders sag a fraction, face twisting like he's the one being shred to pieces.

"Bucky," he starts, sounding apologetic and reaching out again.

"It's fine," Bucky chokes out, squeezing Steve's forearm reassuringly when he places that hand on his shoulder. The last thing he wants it's to hear Steve say he's sorry, that he does care about him, just not enough to stay. "Really, Stevie, I get it. You know all I ever wanted was for you to be happy," he fidgets, takes a subtle step back, letting the hand on his shoulder drop and releasing his own grip on Steve's arm, "and if that happy ain't here with me, well, like I said, I get it, buddy." He tries to offer up a smile. The same one he wore in that poorly lit bar where he first met agent Carter, a lifetime ago, and then again, in the backseat of that cramped Volkswagen. A well-practiced smile he'd worn countless other times.

For a moment Steve just stares at him, face hard and eyes troubled, almost like he hadn't heard Bucky at all. "If I thought I could have that here, have what I want," he starts, looking at Bucky with more intensity than he thinks he can handle. Before Bucky can begin to decipher that, Steve suddenly looks away, switching gears completely, "you dont know what it's like, how it's been for me."

The words are a little more than a whisper, like Steve somehow hoped Bucky wouldn't catch them. Bucky frowns at that. "Then _talk_ to me," he lets out, half angry and half desperate. He told himself he wouldn't beg, wouldn't try to bargain when he knew this was Steve's choice. But the truth is that he doesn't know how to quit, how to _not_ fight, when it comes to wanting to be by Steve's side. "You haven't said more than three words to me since I came back. I'm not an idiot, I know you had a lot on your plate, but you _know_ you can always count on me," Bucky shortened the distance between them again. Steve had turned his face away, clenching his jaw, but the movement made him lock eyes with Bucky again. "Whatever it is, whatever I've done, you gotta let me know, pal. Give me a chance to fix it before you give up on me entirely, Stevie," Bucky pleads around a shaky laugh, begging like he promised he wouldn't.

If anything, Steve just looks more pained. 

"God, no, Bucky. It's not- It's not like that at all. And," he interrupts himself, struggling with his words "It's not something you can fix. Trust me, this one is all on me," Steve offers quizzically and with a short, self-deprecating laugh of his own, "I've had my whole life to, to fix it, and it ain't getting any easier. I figure the only way to stop it is to not be here at all, you know."

Bucky doesn't know. He doesn't understand in the slightest what could possibly be so terrible to make Steve want to jump to another timeline to be as far away from him as possible and how that somehow isn't Bucky's fault.

"It doesn't matter," Bucky promises. He can practically feel Banner fidgeting somewhere at his back, can see on the tense line of Steve's shoulders that they're running out of time. "Steve, it doesn't matter. Whatever it is, we can fix it. Together."

"I don't think we can, Buck," he sounds resigned, like they've had this argument a thousand times even though Bucky knows they haven't. 

"Cap? Are you ready?" Banner's voice comes from behind him all too soon.

Steve begins to move away. Bucky's hand flies to his arm, holding him back a little longer.

"I gotta go, Buck. They're waiting for me," Steve informs without looking him in the eye. But, in that moment, it isn't about Bruce or Sam or the Stones or the fate of the universe. Not to Bucky. He tugs at Steve harder, forcing him to face him.

"You gotta lemme go, Buck." Steve pleads and for the first time Bucky realizes just how much he's trying to hold back; keeping his voice neutral, blue eyes looking at anywhere but Bucky's own.

"No," Bucky grits out, surprising them both. Steve's eyes go a little wide and Bucky can hear Banner calling out again, but he can't spare the attention, can't afford to look away.

"No," he repeats, firmer this time, "not like this." His mind is racing. Too late, his brain begins to catch up with his actions and he starts to realize what he's about to do. After hoarding those feelings for so long, with the paralysing fear of losing Steve's friendship always hanging around his neck like a noose, he's finally been pushed to a corner he can't fight or lie his way out of.

 _You're all I have,_ Bucky thinks with a painful sort of clarity, _if you're already gone, I got nothing else to lose._

Steve hasn't moved from his spot, seeming as frozen in place as Bucky feels. With a voice Bucky barely registers, he pleads again, "Buck-"

He never gets to finish it. The word is barely out, before Bucky slips his free hand around the back of Steve's neck, bringing their faces closer together. It's the first touch that silences him, not Bucky's lips. Bucky gets to see his blue eyes widen and his mouth form a silent "o", before he closes his own eyes and stills both their surprises with a kiss. No more explanations, no more apologies, no more lying or secrets. If it's too late to make Steve stay, at least Bucky will make sure he leaves knowing the whole truth.

The kiss is barely a brush of lips, before Bucky has to pull away, with his stomach in knots. The silence that follows is deafening. He risks a glance behind his back to avoid dealing with whatever is on Steve's face just yet. Bruce looks away after a moment, probably embarrassed for staring. Sam keeps looking, though. He holds Bucky's eyes while a surprised gap toothed smile slowly blooms on his face. Bucky has to look away, feeling guilty; he doesn't have the heart to smile back when he knows this isn't the happy moment his friend must think it is.

"Bucky," Steve says his name for what feels like the millionth time since they started that argument. But it sounds different, somehow. Like he actually means it, in a way he hasn't seemed to since Bucky first got out of cryo and heard of the name Thanos.

Bucky takes a deep breath and looks him dead in the eye, not feeling at all relieved for putting his secret out there, but ready to face the music all the same.

"I'm sorry," _Sorry for lying to you all these years. Sorry for kissing you now. Sorry for not kissing you the first time I wanted to, standing on that pier with ice cream melting down your wrist. Or in our tiny kitchen whenever you ruined another dinner with your atrocious cooking. Or every night in the trenches, when it was just you and me and I thought it could be the last time I'd get to look at you._ Standing here, at the end of their line, Bucky has so many regrets it feels like he could drown in them. 

" _Don't_ ", Steve chokes out and Bucky almost flinches at how wounded he sounds, "you don't have apologize for that, Bucky, not ever."

There's something fierce, almost wild, about his expression now and Bucky can't help but let stubborn hope spread inside his chest.

"I-" he starts before being interrupted by their friends again.

It's Sam who speaks this time, "guys, I'm sorry, but we gotta do this," he sounds genuinely apologetic, "you still ok to go, Cap?"

Steve replies without taking his eyes from Bucky, "yes, yeah, I'm coming." After a moment of hesitation he reaches out and frames Bucky's face with his big hands. The leather from his gloves feels warm against Bucky's skin. He's so distracted, he's caught completely by surprise when Steve leans forward to touch his forehead against his own. Bucky's breath catches in his throat.

"We will talk when I get back, alright?" he breathes out and Bucky can feel the words against his own lips. They shake him to his core, way harder than the kiss had.

Bucky stares, dumbstruck when Steve pulls way. He nods wordlessly and that seems to be the cue Steve was waiting for. Steve squares up his shoulders and moves past him, in the direction where the device is waiting for him. If words are exchanged between Steve and the others, Bucky does not notice. He's too busy staring at Steve's broad back, as the man marches once again somewhere he can't follow, wondering if he'll come back to him again.

"He has to, he always does," Bucky mutters to himself as Steve steps into the center of the machine and, between one blink and the next, disappears on thin air.

"He's coming back," Buck reassures himself one last time and begins to count.

__

_five, four, three, two,_

_one._

__

**Author's Note:**

> so, yeah, haven't seen this scene or the movie but if the russo brothers get to write their own OOC fanfic then I'm telling myself steve still loves bucky and only left bc he was heartbroken from pining. yes, u heard that right, he only wanted to leave so he wouldnt have to face that perceived rejection anymore, but little did he know that buck loved him too all along. oh, the tragedy of star crossed lovers, amirite!
> 
> anyway, I'm @2bhairjohn on twitter so hit me up if u wanna be in denial together xoxo


End file.
